Anticipatory Grief

It has been three years since one of my personal heroes and I presented a seminar on “anticipatory grief.” Chaplain Jeff Watters and I developed a seminar for the wives of the leaders of the 82nd Infantry Division (Airborne) when the Division was deployed to the Gulf in response to 9-11. In the seminar, we developed and explained the concept that during marital separation caused by a military conflict, the spouse that stayed home developed specific habits and behavior patterns that directly reflected the anxiety and fear they had while their partner was separated in a combat zone. Simply put, the wives of the leaders of the Division acted out while their husbands were in combat that caused additional stressors on the family. The wives began acting on an assumption that they would, at some point, be given bad news and they had already started the grieving process. They anticipated grief and began experiencing it whether it was true or not.
In the intervening years, I have been a student of this phenomenon in my own counseling cases, couples I have interviewed, stories that I have heard and now in my own life.
Leaving my wife always causes grief for me. I may not cry each time (though at some point I usually do), but I grieve at different levels. But the interesting phenomenon is when to grieve. I realize that I begin anticipating the grief and separation days before the actual separation takes place.
“I leave in four more days,” I think to myself. “There is more to do. I better appreciate this time together.” But thinking about the upcoming separation increases the tension and I find that I cannot enjoy the time I have because I am anticipating the grief that is yet to come.
As I talked with soldiers who went on mid-tour leave, they admitted that the time was too painful for them and they would not do it again, if given the option. As nice as seeing the family may be, the anticipation of returning to the war and leaving the family again was not worth the small joy they had. That recognition of not wanting to see the family increased their guilt and knowing that if the family knew what the soldier was thinking, then they would not understand. “Why don’t you want to visit us?” To be honest, the answer would be, “because I love you so much, it hurts to be with you.”
Anticipatory grief plays on all the minds of the family members facing deployment. I would try and stay focused on the present. “Live in the moment. Stay focused on the present. Don’t worry about what may happen in the days ahead.” All good self-talk to a normal person, but these mantras did not help me very much. By choosing to focus on the present, I kept realizing that the mental energy was detracting from the present because the storm clouds seemed to be so close and ominous.
It is no wonder that the planes headed back to the war are full of depressed and angry soldiers. And what does that say about the ones that are left behind?