Long Distance Love
I had opportunities in Iraq to write for the MNFI weekly paper, The Scimitar.
When I returned to Ft. Drum, I noticed a copy on the First Sergeant's desk that had been printed off of the internet.
"Hey, First Sergeant, I have not seen one of those in a while."
"Yes, sir," the First Sergeant answered. "That one has your article in it. That is why I printed it off."
I was genuinely touched. Here was a great NCO that took the time to look up the article, print it off, keep it on his desk and mention it to me.
Here is a copy of one of the articles that I wrote. I have handed it out to some of the folks here who are deploying soon as well.
Does deployment equal domestic disaster?
Recent articles in Stars and Stripes and USA Today indicate divorce rates among military members continue to soar. Some analysts believe there is a direct correlation between the rise in deployments and the rise in divorce and domestic difficulties among military members. That should not be hard to figure out. Deployment is hard, and separation is tough on all relationships. “But what can I do from 7,000 miles away? How can I help my marriage when I am gone?” you may ask. “I cannot do anything to help my spouse or my marriage from here. Or can I?”
I think there are things that can be done to actually strengthen a relationship
during separation. The task is not easy and the steps can be difficult, but I would regret traveling halfway across the world to help save a country and lose my own life’s partner.
Here are some suggestions I have found helpful from my experience and the help that I offered to others during their deployments. The most important aspect on my list is communication.
Today’s communication has made quantum leaps from previous conflicts. The ability to communicate instantly with family and friends back home can be good or bad. The key is how best to use the instant communication we have available....e-mail, instant messaging, phone cards, satellite phones, webcams; all of these can keep you in direct contact far more quickly and easily than at any other time in history. But what do you say to your partner? More importantly, what do you NOT say? Our families are bombarded with images from the war zone that are almost always BAD NEWS. They do not need more bad news from us. I decided that I would share with my wife what we would talk about if I were TDY or simply out of town. My intent is not to be deceitful, but to be realistic. What may be an adrenaline rush here in country provokes anxiety or fear in families back home.
If I want to talk war stories about what happened today, there are plenty of people who I live and work with to swap stories. I am determined not to talk about anything that would compound my family’s anxiety. So what do we talk about? The heat, the food, the sleep, the noisy helicopters and vehicles … anything except issues dealing with danger, death and destruction. My family does not need to know about missions or casualties or threat levels at this point. There is no need for them to be concerned about what danger I may or may not be exposed to on any given day. I have found from talking to family members that their single biggest emotional drain is the unknown and unexplainable anxiety that comes from the uncertainty about their military member’s well being. Many have told me, “I am tired of living in fear about what is happening over there. I cannot take it any more.” When families don’t know what is going on, it is easy for them to be overcome by wild imaginations. I will not add to that.
I also vary the times of my phone calls. I am purposely not predictable about when I call. Delays and schedule changes can always keep me from the phone. I do not want people back home sitting by the phone and worrying that “something bad happened because he did not call me!” only to find out that I had a meeting or a conversation or the convoy got delayed, and I was just slow to the phone. If you promise to call “when I get back from the mission,” your family has no idea that you got delayed or had a follow-on mission or whatever. Don’t set them up for worry and concern. “I will be busy most of the day but will call you when I get a chance. Don’t worry about me. I just won’t be around a phone for a while.”
Finally, our family wants to believe that their sacrifice is important. I want them to realize that their sacrifice is making a difference as well. “I miss you. I love you. I cannot believe that I am part of making history here. As painful as our time part is for us both, I am so glad to be part of rebuilding a free country. You are part of it, too, because you are always with me.”
These are hard words to say at times. But defending and rebuilding a country is not the only hard work we do. Maintaining a marriage is very hard work as well.
When I returned to Ft. Drum, I noticed a copy on the First Sergeant's desk that had been printed off of the internet.
"Hey, First Sergeant, I have not seen one of those in a while."
"Yes, sir," the First Sergeant answered. "That one has your article in it. That is why I printed it off."
I was genuinely touched. Here was a great NCO that took the time to look up the article, print it off, keep it on his desk and mention it to me.
Here is a copy of one of the articles that I wrote. I have handed it out to some of the folks here who are deploying soon as well.
Does deployment equal domestic disaster?
Recent articles in Stars and Stripes and USA Today indicate divorce rates among military members continue to soar. Some analysts believe there is a direct correlation between the rise in deployments and the rise in divorce and domestic difficulties among military members. That should not be hard to figure out. Deployment is hard, and separation is tough on all relationships. “But what can I do from 7,000 miles away? How can I help my marriage when I am gone?” you may ask. “I cannot do anything to help my spouse or my marriage from here. Or can I?”
I think there are things that can be done to actually strengthen a relationship
during separation. The task is not easy and the steps can be difficult, but I would regret traveling halfway across the world to help save a country and lose my own life’s partner.
Here are some suggestions I have found helpful from my experience and the help that I offered to others during their deployments. The most important aspect on my list is communication.
Today’s communication has made quantum leaps from previous conflicts. The ability to communicate instantly with family and friends back home can be good or bad. The key is how best to use the instant communication we have available....e-mail, instant messaging, phone cards, satellite phones, webcams; all of these can keep you in direct contact far more quickly and easily than at any other time in history. But what do you say to your partner? More importantly, what do you NOT say? Our families are bombarded with images from the war zone that are almost always BAD NEWS. They do not need more bad news from us. I decided that I would share with my wife what we would talk about if I were TDY or simply out of town. My intent is not to be deceitful, but to be realistic. What may be an adrenaline rush here in country provokes anxiety or fear in families back home.
If I want to talk war stories about what happened today, there are plenty of people who I live and work with to swap stories. I am determined not to talk about anything that would compound my family’s anxiety. So what do we talk about? The heat, the food, the sleep, the noisy helicopters and vehicles … anything except issues dealing with danger, death and destruction. My family does not need to know about missions or casualties or threat levels at this point. There is no need for them to be concerned about what danger I may or may not be exposed to on any given day. I have found from talking to family members that their single biggest emotional drain is the unknown and unexplainable anxiety that comes from the uncertainty about their military member’s well being. Many have told me, “I am tired of living in fear about what is happening over there. I cannot take it any more.” When families don’t know what is going on, it is easy for them to be overcome by wild imaginations. I will not add to that.
I also vary the times of my phone calls. I am purposely not predictable about when I call. Delays and schedule changes can always keep me from the phone. I do not want people back home sitting by the phone and worrying that “something bad happened because he did not call me!” only to find out that I had a meeting or a conversation or the convoy got delayed, and I was just slow to the phone. If you promise to call “when I get back from the mission,” your family has no idea that you got delayed or had a follow-on mission or whatever. Don’t set them up for worry and concern. “I will be busy most of the day but will call you when I get a chance. Don’t worry about me. I just won’t be around a phone for a while.”
Finally, our family wants to believe that their sacrifice is important. I want them to realize that their sacrifice is making a difference as well. “I miss you. I love you. I cannot believe that I am part of making history here. As painful as our time part is for us both, I am so glad to be part of rebuilding a free country. You are part of it, too, because you are always with me.”
These are hard words to say at times. But defending and rebuilding a country is not the only hard work we do. Maintaining a marriage is very hard work as well.
posted by greenzone at
12:23 AM
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